All aboard the struggle bus

I’m struggling.

I have been for months, but on a much smaller scale than the past few weeks.

I miss therapy, but my anxiety tells me I burnt that bridge.

I forget to journal, then remember before bed every night, when it’s too late to open the worm can and I know I need my sleep.

I hate my new job. I’ve been there three months now and it only gets worse. They need things from me 24/7, and I can’t even do things for myself that often.

I’ve started having panic attacks more frequently. When I hadn’t had one in months.

I leave it longer and longer between bathing, brushing my teeth, washing my hair… anything that is basic hygiene. Even that seems too much.

My living space is a mess, and though I know it would do me good to fix that, I just can’t.

I hear excuse after excuse coming out of my mouth for not doing things I need to be doing, or even the things I want to be doing.

I’m struggling.

I hate this feeling. You can’t take sick days for your bad mental health. There’s only so many times I can blame my stomach problems without seeing a doctor to back me up. Which they could, but anxiety doesn’t want me to go there either.

I’m leaving the house less and less. I have to for work. It’s the only reason I do most weeks. It’s what simultaneously keeps me going and tears me down.

Sorry, I can’t come in today.. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be here either. It’s hard to explain, and I’m high functioning so you’d probably think I am fine anyway. I mean “what triggered it?” “You were fine earlier”.

I’d ask for a redo at life, but I feel the outcome would be more or less the same.



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