My thirty day blog challenge. – What, why and where you write.
When I was a child, it was short stories. I would write them for myself, or make little picture books for my younger siblings. I’ve always been a story teller. I used to like to read a lot too, I liked that the written word could take me to all of these other places. Any place other than the one I was in, I think. I wanted to be able to do that for other people too.
I then turned to journals, making my first one on holiday when I was about 11. I got notebooks for me and all of my siblings, so we could keep a diary of our trip. I think in the end I was the only one that committed and stuck with it for the whole week. Although, my younger brother gave it a good, he just wanted to do what I was doing.
In high school I kept a diary, and my favourite part of school was still English class for a while, especially creative writing. Once the depression kicked in I sort of lost my passion for it all, for anything really. I found it hard to focus. I still do. However I did keep a diary on and off for the majority of my teenage life, it was mostly just a recount of my day but sometimes it was a lot more heavy. More full of emotion, much like me. Even in it’s simplest forms, my diary was a way of coping, it helped me keep my thoughts in order.
I had pen pals too, and my then best friend and I would constantly write letters back and forth, even though we practically lived next door to each other. I’ve always written, in some way or another.
And now, this blog. I’d wanted to do this for the longest time but never knew where to start or what to write about. My mental health has declined rapidly in the past 6 months, and has played a major part in shaping who I am for over half of my life now. I don’t just live with it, at this point, I am it. It is me. Not all of me, but so much of me that I don’t know who I am without it. That’s how I knew this is what I had to write about.
I had to write about my own mental health because in a strange way it’s what I know best. A lot of other people however, know very little if anything at all about mental illness. I wanted people to understand what it’s like to live inside my head. Depression is so much more than being sad. Anxiety is much more than a nervous feeling in your stomach. Mental illness is also physical illness. It drains you. It strips you down as a person.
I have been this way since I was thirteen years of age, I don’t know myself as an adult without mental illness. I want people to understand how hard every day life can be. I also want the people who already understand, those of you that are in the same boat, to realise exactly that. You are not alone.
I write because it feels right. I’ve always chugged along better when I’ve had some sort of creative outlet to focus on. To focus my mind. It’s a coping method for me, a form of survival if you like. It’s a release.
Doctor’s kept telling me that I couldn’t do this alone, and trust me I have tried. I have tried for the longest time. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and this is like an indirect conversation but I’m still getting out what I need to say.
And now, it helps me connect with other people. It has made me realise that I am not alone, and I don’t want to be. Every time I get a nice comment from somebody who says they understand, enjoy my writing, feel the same, can relate in some way or tell me I have helped them, it spurs me on. It spurs me on share more of my story. It’s a long, and an ongoing one but I think it needs to be told. It helps me, and hopefully a lot of others too.
When I kept a journal I would even write on the bus on the way to work. I have found that my memory isn’t the greatest and it’s best for me to get things out of my mind as and when I am feeling them.
As for this blog, I write on my bed. My bed that I find so hard to leave most days. However, I have finally ordered myself a desk online, so that I can sit at it and write. In a last ditch attempt to get myself out of bed for that at the very least. I can do this.
What, why and where do you write?
Join us in the #30dayblogchallenge and please tag me so that I can read what you have to say too!
Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for 50 followers. I never thought anyone would actually read this blog when I set it up two months ago, but it really means a lot to me that people are and chose to continue to keep up with my nonsense. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. B x